Memories
I read through my old entries transferred over from Beyond Contestation. These were about my feelings during and after breast cancer treatments. It amazed me how much I had forgotten, how my immume system became so depleted taking a long time to recover, the pain in my digestive system caused by the chemo resulting in me taking yet more medication, my hair falling out (every where except on my lower legs, it just become more … well more), nausea though the medication helped … all but once, skin under the left breast become raw, painful and inflamed after the radiotherapy, the changes in taste and smell, that took a while to return to normal.
Compared with many people who were receiving treatment at the same Oncology Clinic, I was lucky. My counsin had to be hospitalised a few months later in the specialist cancer hospital as she developed clots on her lungs and subsequently died, she was 50.
The good points, it gave me more time with family and friends so whatever problems I may have suffered, the treatment helped.
My hair including eyebrows and eyelashes grew back, my hair was back to its old colour, most of the grey had gone, my eyelashes were longer, eyebrows darker. The grey has slowly returned, to be expected after all I am now 62.
The Tamoxifen caused me many problems, but my time on this medication has finished and slowly my memory is returning to normal, but my hair which became thinner over the five years is still curly.
If the cancer has gone, then the treatment was worth it, if only for 5 extra years and that was all I was told I could expect. Only time will tell.
My only mistake … IMHO … was having a lumpectomy instead of a mastechtomy, hope the spelling is OK. It would have been easier I think than still having a Jordan size left boob caused by radiotherapy, which after 5 years is still painful at times, lots of scar tissue and also “orange peel” skin.
Mixed emotions
Eliza, my daughter, has been introducing me to the new facilities available on this server – such as thumbnail images. It’s all rather nifty.
On Monday I was due to have my final treatment of chemotherapy, but sadly my white cell count was far too low, and combined with the high blood pressure they decided to postpone it until Thursday. Hopefully then my blood results will have improved enough to get the final dose out of the way. I say hopefully, but my emotions about the final dose are mixed. I’m pleased that I am nearly at the end, yet I dread yet another treatment. The side effects, however minimal are not fun, and I am still getting used to the hair loss. How easy it seemed when I made the decision not to continue with the cold cap!
There will be a brief period of rest before I have 15 treatments of radiotherapy spread over 3 weeks.
I’m tired at the moment. The dogs are really helping to keep me going – they are such mischief makers! My poor daughter is run ragged each day just stopping them from sticking their noses where they should not be!
These comments were saved from the old site via web archive.
Lynn
July 8, 2004 09:31 PM
Aww, just look at those cute baby Jack Russells. They look like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths…which is only because they would have gobbled it down before it had chance to, eh?
Hope you start seeing some health improvements soon.
Shelagh
July 12, 2004 11:13 AM
What a pair of cuties! Hopefully a couple of days grace will leave you better prepared to face your last chemo treatment. I hope you start to feel better soon.
Lager Louts
Today I went to a local late night shop and stayed in the car whilst my daughter went into the store to purchase soft drinks. A car pulled up behind mine and five very large drunk football supporters emerged. One made comments about my head must be cold cos I was wearing a scarf; a second mentioned “Paki cow” and a third did an imitation of an Indian style dance. Why? Well, I can only assume that as my wig is uncomfortable I have taken to wearing a black silk scarf. Unfortunately this isn’t the only problem I have had from rude people since I lost most of my hair (very nearly bald). Some make comments, others simply stare and others point and laugh. It could be said that I am being paranoid, but when people point, make comments and laugh it is a little difficult not to be upset.
The moral of this story is this. Before you make comments about someone with very little hair, consider why? I would not wish this illness on anyone, even the ignorant Lager louts who are so rude, or the women who make sarcastic nasty comments within hearing, but it is the luck of the draw that many of us at some time or another will suffer with this dreadful illness and have to suffer the treatment but, before you make comments, think “that could be me! At some time in the future, I could be in that position.”
Comments: (These comments were cut & pasted from web archive to save them!)
Shelagh
June 26, 2004 07:56 AM
Bastards! It doesn’t matter how much you can rationalise their ignorance and rudeness, it still hurts.
kdip
June 26, 2004 05:31 PM
As we emerge into the post-Christian era, one thing that disappears along with our belief in God, is one of the laws of life associated with that belief: the Golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That may have been the grease that kept civilizations running smoothly.
si
June 26, 2004 06:44 PM
when i’m out with my mum i’m always alert for people staring at her (and her headscarf). the first time around she was very paranoid about her hair, this time she isn’t letting it stop her. being 6′7″ i’m used to people staring at me and maybe i deflect a lot of the attention aware from her. don’t let arseholes stop you from getting out there. you’re hair will grow back but they will always be arseholes.
take care.
Lynn
June 27, 2004 02:32 AM
The really sad part of this tale is that I’m not in the least bit surprised that you suffered such indignities at the hands of what can only be described as thoughtless scumbag members of society. I often wonder which stones they’ve managed to crawl from under. Considering we’re supposed to live in an enlightened society it’s amazing just how many of our fellow men and women seem to be from way down in the gene pool.
((Mizmo))
Isis
July 23, 2004 09:34 AM
I think that those people are rude! They had no right to do that, or say anythin that they said! I think that you should be happy the way you are. If they want to act spoiled then let them! They are just pure mean!
Update
Had a wonderful time at Bramham, although general tiredness prevented me from doing more.
I seem to have developed an interesting side effect from the chemotherapy – my balance is off, and I frequently find myself either walking in circles or generally loosing my balance all together. Very strange, and quite upseting on occasion.
I had my fifth dose of chemotherapy on Monday. Since then I’ve felt quite flattened, as always though these feelings pass. Thankfully!
In other news: My hair is falling out. Its taking some getting used to, especially the attention I seem to be getting. The number of people who stare and mutter, sometimes laugh is disconcerting.
On the plus side the time has finally come for us to go and collect the dogs. Tomorrow (or rather today!) at noon to be precise.
Pain
I’m in a lot of pain at the moment. The athritus which has plagued much of the last few years has worsened, whether it is as a result of the chemotherapy I don’t know. All I know is walking any distance, long or short, or climbing stairs is painful, very painful. I wish the pain would go.
I didn’t realise it was so long since I posted. Doesn’t time fly when you are having fun? I do believe the only action my weblog has seen in several days is a load of spam comments.
As a quick recap – in the last week I have seen Harry Potter three times, and The Day after Tomorrow once. Both films, in my humble opinion, were very entertaining.
Tiredness, negativity & Bramham
My daughter and I are going to see Harry Potter this evening. Its going to be madness, I just know it.
On the issue of tiredness I seem to be going from one extreme to another – from being permanently exhausted and desiring a catnap at regular intervals I am suddenly requiring very little sleep. I don’t seem to get a real burst of energy until well after 10pm.
The chemo treatment however was harder this time, or at least so it seemed to me. There were more symptoms, and of course this time I really did have the hair loss to contend with. Still, it was my decision to abandon the cold cap, so I cannot really complain on that front.
I am in discussion with the unit about the possibility of delaying the treatment for a few days so I can attend Bramham Horse Trials. It will only mean a delay of three or four days.
In my less positive moments I have to admit regreting having chemotherapy. The side effects, however nullified (is that even a word?) are sometimes difficult, and it is hard watching the people I love worry. One has to wonder whether the risks of chemotherapy sometimes outweigh its good. Of course, these moments are short lived and I soon return to the world of logic again
Weepy
Little bit tired over the weekend, and occasionally weepy. Actually feel better for doing a couple of hours work this morning though.
Update
My blood count was very low yesterday, and it was dubious as to whether or not they were going to proceed with the chemotherapy – but they did in the end. Apart from a small amount of sickness last night I seem to be coping very well.
Today we went to visit Joe, and I must say I am surprised by how much he has grown. He’s walking, fighting, chewing, and generally displaying an arrogance only fitting a dog suitable for my daughter!
It was always going to be a question of when, and not if, but I finally placed a deposit on another pup which was available. I played with the pups today, and had my mind set that if one responded to me (other words chose me) then, if he were available, I would take him as my own. That pup is called Sam, and I will provide a photograph of him soon. He’s a smaller and calmer version of Joe obviously.
I’m so excited, it means we can’t afford a gas powered cooler for camping now, but who the hell needs one of those? 
Jo
My daughter reminds me that Joe will be four weeks old tomorrow, she also keeps reminding me that Joe is HER dog. I’ll remind her of that when he piddles (or worse) on the floor. We are going to see him on Friday, and I’m surprised how excited I am about this.
Our tickets for Bramham Horse Trials arrived today. We have a few more things to buy and then we are ready for our camping epition. Well, except for one minor detail – we still have not practiced erecting the tent!
Update
The last few days have been fairly uneventful. The breast care nurse called to check if everything was OK last week, and I briefly mentioned that there was some discomfort where the chemo needle had gone into my hand (from the first treatment, not subsequent). Fearing that the vein might be breaking down I had to call in at the unit, but they decided that it was nothing to be concerned with.
I’m starting to dislike all the fuss, everyone means well, but I’d really like to go a week without the issue of cancer hanging over my head.
Little chance of that this week, I have my next dose of chemotherapy tomorrow, and this time I will be on my own – my daughter has an exam. I had my blood test this morning, and I can’t help but worry that because my blood count was low last time that it will even lower this time!
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